Luigi

The beer's flowing and I'm with a crowd of mates telling a joke about a wealthy Italian guy who's taken his lad to Harrods.

""I wanta suita for my Luigi with tha bigga tha fukina heada." he tells the female sales assistant as he repeatedly clouts poor Luigi round the head....."

""I wanta suita for my Luigi with tha bigga (clout clout) tha (clout) fukina (clout clout clout) heada (clout clout).""

I'm making impressive clouting actions by slapping my one hand forwards and backwards across my other hand. The joke's going well. Everybody is laughing.

"The assistant kits Luigi out in one of the shops finest suits."

""The suita, it'sa notta googa and a nota bada, it'll do for my Luigi with his bigga tha fukina heada (clout clout clout clout clout clout clout clout).""

Everyone's roaring with laughter. I continue enthusiastically.

""I wanta some shoesa for my Luigi with his bigga tha fukina heada (clout clout clout clout clout clout clout clout).""

More fits of laughter.

"The assistant is more than a little alarmed by this stage and so decides to take action."

""Look mister, I don't know what country you're from but over here in England we don't go round repeatedly smacking our kids around the head for no apparent reason.""

All my mates are eagerly awaiting the next chapter of the story. Still laughing hysterically.

""I tell you a story about my Luigi with tha bigga (clout clout) tha (clout) fukina (clout clout clout) heada (clout clout)." The Italian continues...."

""In Roma I havea the most beautifula wife. She has the most beautifula face in tha whole of Roma (I'm running my hands down my cheeks). And her boobies (I'm pretending to be cupping large breasts), the most beautiful boobies in tha whole of Roma, oh the boobies (more cupping gestures). (I'm now kissing the tips of my thumb and two fingers. you know the ones, the one normally used to pick your nose and the other normally used for giving people the bird).""

I'm dramatically building up to the punchline.

""Anda down belowa, (making upside down triangle gestures) the mosta beautiful in the whole worlda, tha most perfect, tha most tighta..... until Luigi come alonga with his bigga tha fukina heada (clout clout clout clout clout clout clout clout).""

Everyone's doubled over laughing. But wait, what's this? They're not looking at me. They're looking over my shoulder. This tells me they weren't actually laughing at my joke. In fact it transpired later on that everyone had already heard it. Have you ever had that feeling where you just know you've gone and put your foot in it? I slowly turn my head around and peer out of 99.9% closed eyes. It doesn't hide the truth. It doesn't hide the fact that there's a little old lady sat along side her little old husband drinking two cups of tea looking like they are in serious need of some smelling salts.

PS Sorry about my dreadful Italian accent.