The Janglers Go Head To Head

With constant bickering between us all over our riding I've decided it's about time we went head to head in a virtual race. Silverstone is the venue, and it's an all out one lap sprint. It's a battle of skill and wits. May the best man win.

For this much awaited epic, even Murray Walker couldn't keep away and he's brought himself out of retirement to kindly comment on events throughout the race.

Lined up on the starting grid from left to right we have Dean on his Yamaha R1. Undeniably one of the quickest bikes on the road, but with lack of experience compared to his rivals, it could lead to his downfall. Brolly dollying for Dean is Arnold Schwarzenegger and they're busy comparing notes on Oozy 9 millimetres and how best to take out the competition.

Next there's Mike on his now slightly long in the tooth Honda Blackbird. Experience and maturity might play to his advantage in the race but nerves might get the better of him. Brolly dollying for Mike is Miss U wearing a splendid pair of decorators overalls.

Next up it's Loz. His Yamaha XJR1300 is by no means cutting edge so he's going to have to dig deep into his vast years of experience to out smart the opposition. Ali has kindly volunteered to hold Loz's umbrella. So as not to be identified, she's wearing a paper bag on her head. All very well and good but she's having problems actually working out where the umbrella should be.

Along side Loz there's Neil on his ageing Yamaha XJR1300. Neil has vast experience in competition enduro and could be a bit of a dark horse on the road. Brolly dollying for Neil is Ellie. Sponsored by Camel she's wearing some yellow hotpants and displaying a somewhat noticeable camel toe.

Next we have Matt (Joey) on his Yamaha TDM 850. He isn't what you'd call a bookies favourite but with his sensible mature attitude he might just outsmart the competition to take victory. Brolly dollying for Matt (Joey) is Kate Isis. Kate is in fancy dress wearing her very seasonal madame whiplash uniform and is busy whipping Matt's (Joey's) bottom at every opportunity. Just like in horse racing this could really get the lad fired up.

On the far right Gaz completes the line-up on his Suzuki GSXR1100. Easily the bookies favourite with track day experience to his advantage. Gas hasn't got time for brolly dollies, he's too busy queueing up at the beer tent for a pre race aperitif.

Okay, enough of the build-up, on with the show.

They're under starters orders, heads are down, engines revving and it's GO GO GO (Murray Walker's word not mine).

Hurtling off the starting line, rifle in hand, Dean gets off to a flyer chasing a mechanical hare down the side of the track. Gaz and Mike are neck and neck close behind, followed by Neil and Loz with Matt plodding away back in last position. Hurtling down towards Copse Corner, positions remain uncha....... What's this? Loz is slowing down and pulling over. I don't believe it! He's getting off his bike! He's, he's, he's stopping for a fag break! Oh boy, this could cost the stunted hobbit dearly!

Murray Walker: "I'm in my usual state here up in the commentary box: High tension, heart beating like a trip hammer, whatever that is."

Gaz is hard on the brakes and easily overtakes Dean on the outside of the bend.

I've just had word from the pits and there's disaster for Neil. He's just realised his bike is quarter of a mile over its 20,000 mile service and he's pulling over to get his tool kit out. Mike overtakes Dean on the outside of Becketts and is desperately trying to keep up with Gaz who's going at it like shit off a shovel. Matt's consistency seems to be paying off as he trundles past Neil in a pipe and slipper Honda Goldwing type of fashion. Methodically, Neil is erecting a portable service tent and is busily anchoring it down with three feet long stakes even though it's only blowing a one mile per hour wind.

Murray Walker: "That's history. I say history because it's happened before."

Safely through Becketts, Gaz, Mike and Dean head down towards the right hander at Stowe. Dean manages to comfortably get past both Gaz and Mike on the straight only to be overtaken by the pair of them again at Stowe corner. Loz has decided there's no rush and is retrieving his camping stove from his top box to brew up. No doubt there'll be a dash of his secret supply of finest Oban Whiskey added to his cuppa when he thinks nobody is looking.

Murray Walker: "I can't believe what's happening visually, in front of my eyes."

Approaching Club Corner Gaz rises to the cheering crowd and pulls over to entertain them with a few stunts. Mike, realising the fantastic photo opportunity, pulls up along side, opens his top box and retrieves a digital SLR with a sigma 70 - 200 mm zoom lens. Unfolding his tripod he attaches his camera to it and strategically positions the camera. Setting the camera to ISO 200, F4.5 at 110 mm with a shutter speed of 1/1000 of a second with a 1 stop exposure compensation he manages to capture a burnout of epic proportions. With a short DOP he's trying to bring out and highlight the skid marks not only on the track but in Gaz's pants too.

Murray Walker: "Are they on a one stopper? Are they on a two? And when I say they, who do I mean? Well I don't know. It could be anyone."

At Priory, Dean is clearly looking hot favourite.

Murray Walker: If Dean wins, this will be his first win since the last time he won."

Matt is some considerable distance behind. But wait, what's this? Dean's spotted a herd of deer in the infield. He's pulled over and is now changing into full combat gear. Unzipping his gun bag he crawls along until he's close enough to get a good clean shot. Loading the Oozy he lets rip. All hell breaks loose as blood, guts and antlers fly off in all directions.

Loz has now dismantled his stove, packed away his secret stash of finest Oban whiskey, washed up and is now back on the track. Neil's been having trouble removing the giant stakes from the ground which are anchoring his tent and has wasted considerable time constructing a geometrically perfect, precision engineered triangulated leverage device that the Romans would be proud of. Eventually sorting out the issue, Neil rejoins the race just as Loz is flying past.

Murray Walker: "Loz's bike is unique, except for the one behind it which is identical."

Gaz is still entertaining the crowd with one handed wheelies and rolling stoppies. Mike is swapping over to his 500mm F2.8 telephoto lens and with an ISO 400, and an SS of 2000 he's hoping to get some close-up shots. Dean has spotted a seagull and is unpacking a land to air missile launcher to take the enemy out. Gaz has fried his tires and is now opening a quick tinny whilst Mike packs up his camera, eleven lenses and tripod.

With the tinny drunk, Gaz is back in the race with Mike in hot pursuit. The pair of them with extra BHP gain on Loz and Neil rapidly as the race starts to draw to a close. Dean, now covered in blood and intestines from head to toe (Murray Walker: "He can't decide whether to leave his visor half open or half closed.") is back on his bike and roaring off just managing to engage in the battle between Gaz, Mike, Loz and Dean. Matt's having a pleasant trundle in a race of his own somewhere at the back of the pack.

Murray Walker: "A battle is developing between them. I say developing because it's not yet on."

As the final bend approaches it's neck and neck between the five leading bikes. There's not a hairs width between them as they break sharply for the corner.

Murray Walker: "There are five different bikes filling the first five places."

Oh my god, there's been an almighty pile-up. Gaz, Neil, Loz, Dean and Mike are all in the gravel.

Murray Walker: "Anything can happen in racing and it usually does."

Luckily they're all up and look to be ok. Oh no, we don't want this. The gloves are coming off and none of them look happy.

Murray Walker: "If the gloves weren't off before, and they were, they sure are now!"

There's hell on between the riders. Loz is blaming Gaz, or to be more exact, his tyres for causing the crash due to his immature stunt riding tyre frying exploits. Gaz is blaming Neil for not screwing his bike back together properly after its service. Neil is blaming Dean for not cleaning all the blood and guts off his visor following his direct attack against animal rights activists. Dean is blaming Mike for trying to get an action photo whilst competing in a race. And finally Mike is blaming Loz for trying to light a cigarette on the last bend.

So there we have it.The long awaited grudge race has failed to settle an age old dispute. It looks like the tradition of bickering and insulting each other is here to stay for the foreseeable future.

Hang on, what's this? It's Matt, trundling past the war strewn debris field giving everybody the Queens wave whilst gently nodding his head in a Queenly sort of way to take the chequered flag. Well who'd have believed it.

I think we'll leave Murray Walker to give us some final words.

Murray Walker: "A sad ending, albeit a happy one."