No Smoke Without Fire

"When we come into the pub, there's no reason why we shouldn't see friggin' logs on the god damn fire!"

Chainsaw Mark isn't happy.

"If I go to the trouble of fetching ba****d logs off the Chase and chopping them up with my chainsaw, whilst Desperate goes through all the sweat and ball ache of splitting them, the least you can do is get off your lazy ass and light the friggin' fire in the afternoon!"

He's still ranting.

"I wouldn't care, but we don't get so much as a thank you, kiss my ass or nothing."

Desperate isn't happy either.

"The other morning at seven o'clock I went around the back of the pub and spent two hours sawing up kindling to be used to get the fire started, and some f****r decided to stick the whole lot on an already lit fire. Do you ever see them getting off their asses to make a contribution? No you friggin' don't. If it wasn't for Chainsaw Mark and myself there would never be a fire in the place."

He continues with foam frothing from the mouth....

"Do you realise, the other day when it started snowing, Chainsaw Mark went via the pub on the way to work to put a tarpaulin over the logs to stop them getting wet because he knew no other f****r would be bothered. I wouldn't care but it's not our b*****d pub, it's yours and you can't be arsed."

Gaffer is mumbling and stuttering his excuses.

My mild amusement quickly turns to frustration.

"Gaffer?"

"Gaffer?"

"For Christ's sake, you don't need a bloody fire with all the hot air you're all spouting. Now can I just have a friggin' pint before I start pulling my own?" (Ladies behave, I know what you're thinking!)