Monday, March 19, 2007

The Tossers Guide To Hand Gestures

I'm greeted at the traffic lights by a man with his window down. He's informing me I'm a wanker!

I'm impressed. This guy knows his shit. Ok, maybe not as much shit as Albert Einstein, but shit none the less.

To reinforce what he's telling me, he's also making a hand gesture. It's a BIG hand gesture. It looks like he's wrapping his hand around a can of beer and he's making LONG slow deliberate up and down motions.

Now I really am impressed. He's informing me of the magnitude of my fire power!

I ponder this information for a few seconds. There are discrepancies. I come to the conclusion that maybe he's not as clever as first thought. He's certainly no clairvoyant and he sure as hell doesn't have x-ray vision.

To be honest, the guy doesn't appear to be in a very good mood. I put this down to the fact that he thinks I have a bigger hairy hot dog down my pants than he does.

I bide my time.

I wait for the traffic lights to start changing from red to green.

This is my big chance. This is my chance to kick him when he's down.

With my thumb and forefinger pinched together, I look across and make the very slightest of gestures. Imagine if you will, somebody pretending to stroke a matchstick.

I don't know which shocked him more, the accuracy of my gesture, or the speed at which I fekked off at.

17 comments:

ellie said...

OMG!!! That was hilarious! I think you have just had an encounter with my ex!

Rig said...

I agree with ellie, very funny!

Miss Understood said...

I think men are assholes. All of 'em. Especially when they're in the driver's seat.

You are obviously the exception Mike, lol. x

Steven Novak said...

I'd go with the speed.

Also...feckked? ;)

Steve~

Mike said...

Ellie, I don't like your ex.

Mike said...

Hi rig, how's things?

Mike said...

Elaine, are you calling me what I think you're calling me? Huh? lol

Mike said...

Steve, you're obviously not as daft as you look! ;)

I'm trialling your technique of bumping up the amount of comments I get by replying to each one individually. To be honest it's not going to work because I find it quite disturbing having to look at myself all over the place.

Plus, I fear it will drive people away.

Pete Miller said...

Maybe he was interested in playing with your little Mike and not calling you a wanker. There are some funny folks out there, strange types who possibly would love to take advantage of you.

Personally I don't think you are a wanker but heh! this can be construed (did i spell that coreectly lol) as a subjective matter.

If it had been a girl you may of read it differently, as in come on over baby there's a whole lotta shakin going on.

Ali said...

Mike, great post. He probably wasn't calling you a wanker, he was most probably j.r.i.g o.f a. t.e s.g.t o. y.u. m.g.i.i.a.t m.c.i.e!!!!!!

Christ, it's harder than it looks isn't it!!!

Behave, I meant its harder to type only every other letter!!!

Mike said...

Pete, I can't remember when the last time was that a girl informed me to come on over baby as there's a whole lotta shakin going on, apart from the time I got accosted by a butch looking female kango operator working for the council's road division. I think I've been missing out.

Ali, I hope he wasn't!!! That would be seriously worrying. And you're right you know, it is a lot harder than it looks lol.

Ant said...

Your probab;y all wrong, the poor guy most probably had some kind of horrific disability which turned his hand into a mangled,disfigured hoof , he probably gets your reaction all the time and spends his time at home crying...i hope your all very happy with yourselves,... man....i could work in social services....always seeing the flipside of everything...im bloody good at this..

ellie said...

Ant, do you mean Mike was celeb bashing and it was actually Jeremy Beadle in the other car? On the other hand .... sorry :)

Mike said...

Hi Ant, how's tricks? You have an interesting theory but I won't be losing any sleep over the possibility.

Ellie, really!!! Suppose one of our readers is Beadle himself. I doubt for one minute he'll be shaking our hands ;)

Ant said...

Jeremy Beadles tiny hand is perfectly formed actually, and he is not a "cack handed twat" as ive heard him called in the past, ellie, im sure you have ha dmany a night imagining JBs little hand stroking your hair..oooh, creepy!!!! Oh yeah, im fine thanks Mike, thanks for asking, if there is a jangle by the way, would i be able to come??? possibly?? i could carry most peoples luggage in my car and more importantly extra alcohol, always thinking me.....

ellie said...

Ant, whats it worth to get you to shut yer gob???
I don't want every woman lusting after JB. I read his blog often, in fact it's linked on this site. As for Beadle, yuck, hes just too hairy!

Ant said...

But think of the things he could do with his miniature hand......he could retrieve lost keys from down drains or pick up grapes that have dropped behind sideboards....very "handy"...im a comedy genius.....